It’s like breaking up, but with fire.

These are my sweatpants that I’ve had since college. I’ve lost more money than the original price of these pants, but I’ve never lost them. I love them.

But there’s a problem…well two actually. First of all, my wife hates them. They’re ratty and stretched out (I was 160 pounds when I got them, and I maxed out at 260). It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t insist on going out in public wearing them on those especially “I don’t give a crap” days, but I do. I just really love them.

The other problem is that they are too big for me now. Like I said, I maxed out at 260, and in the last three months I’ve lost 35 pounds. At 225, they are barely hugging my waste. If I walk too much without pulling them up like Urkel, they will start falling down, but I keep wearing them.

My goal weight right now is 190, and I know that by the these things will swallow me, so I’ve decided that when I reach my goal, I’m going to burn them. It will be a final goodbye. However, until then, I will wear them. Even when I’m 192 and I can use them as a blanket, I will have those babies strapped on with a belt. The night before the sending off I’ll wear them one last time. I might even cry a little.

The Journey of Self Worth

No one ever wants to talk about self worth. We talk about self esteem a lot, which is how we feel about ourselves against outward comparisons – “I can do a back flip,” “People think I’m pretty,” “I think I write pretty well.” – but we sort of ignore self worth. Self worth is how we feel about ourselves against inward comparisons – “Do I really need a new computer when I know people who could use the money?,” “Am I the jerk in the argument?,” “Am I more committed to discord than love?”

Imagine a society full of people afraid to face their own flaws. When I think about it, I imagine a place of materialism and consumerism, because it’s always easier to buy something new than to actually ask yourself if there’s a better use for your money. I imagine a society whose politicians work for special interests groups rather than their constituents. I see a world where people would rather watch a group of New Jersey guidos debauch themselves than spend an hour educating themselves about the blood diamond trade in Africa, or the crisis in Haiti, or sex trafficking in America.

Obviously we’re that society. We’ve grown up being told that we’re the best, and we believe it. We grasp it so tightly because we have so little self worth. Look at the celebrity breakdowns and deaths that have occurred over the past decade. Most of these individuals have more money than they know what to do with. They have everything, and yet they are so defined by outside stimuli, that as soon as the constant ego fanning goes away, they have nothing inside of themselves to which to turn.

Much of Christianity today teaches that our identity is to be found in God and, as you’ll see, I believe that to be part of it, but self worth is something that needs a resurgence in the Church. Furthermore, a large percent of Western Christianity equates worth with outside stimuli as well (your church attendance record, how often you pray and read the Bible, if you raise your hands during worship, etc.).

Here’s a popular scenario in many Christian groups: Sam does a guitar solo during a praise song, and it’s really good. He practices his guitar at least four hours a day, and usually spends the rest of his evening actually jamming with it. After the service John approaches Sam and says – “Hey man, that was an awesome solo today. You’re getting really good.” – To which Sam replies – “It’s all God man. I’m just the vessel he uses.”

I would put copious amounts of money on it that similar conversations happens worldwide every Sunday at least, and it is an annoying one. There’s nothing bad about giving praise to God if you’re so inclined, but there is a difference between feeling as if God as blessed you with a talent and the hard work that you actually put into it to build that talent. If you work hard to reach a goal, it’s okay to accept your part in that.

Both Jesus and the Torah teach that we are to love ourselves.  In Islam the Hadith teaches the same thing, as do the teachings of Buddhism.

Self worth is not the same as ego

Ego is harsh. Ego says “you’re the best…you can nail this meeting,” but if you don’t nail the meeting, you walk away hating yourself. As dynamic, multi-faceted beings, our ego is necessary. It is the shell that protects our true selves. Without ego, progress would never happen. But ego can very quickly get out of hand. Not only that, but people too often stop at establishing their ego.

Self worth is not the same thing. Self worth is how you feel about yourself when lying in bed following the crappiest day you’ve ever been an active participant in. Making excuses for the day and your role is ego; not being able to sleep because you’re guilt ridden is low self worth; realizing that you made mistakes and determining to work on those issues is the road to healthy self worth.

The Jewish sages taught that God is in us, experiencing life through us, and that self worth is very important to Him, because He created us to live healthy internal lives. What must it do to the spirit of God within us when we hate ourselves?

Much of religious teaching today wants to jump to the end. Christianity seems to teach “accept Jesus and you’re automatically worthy,” and on a metaphysical level perhaps this is true, but that’s not how it works to us constrained by things like time and linear progression. Racists don’t wake up and stop being racists overnight, and people don’t stop hating themselves at an altar call. Self worth is a journey of discovery about oneself.

It’s sad that in a culture so desirous of relationship, we never take the important step of having a relationship with ourselves. We spend so much time getting to know others…their flaws, their values, their likes…but we never stop to get to know ourselves. It doesn’t come naturally. My children default to making excuses rather than taking responsibility for their actions and recognizing their own flaws. I have to teach them the proper way, and that’s how it should be, but most people are never taught how to do that. Most people experience life on the level of self-esteem and ego, but very few actually do the very hard work of experiencing life on the level of self worth.

So how does one take that journey?

Kabbalah teaches that self worth comes from service. Jesus teaches the same thing. When you lead a life of service, what you’re really doing is reminding yourself that you are not the center of the universe…that it’s not about you. Just take a look at the politicians who obviously have their own interests in mind versus those who genuinely care about the interests of the people. Better yet, take a look at the missionaries you may know. Think about their lives. Now, take those who are more like glorified tourists (their interests lie in seeing the world, collecting cool memorabilia, being a missionary pastor, etc.) and compare them with those who are in the trenches actually serving people (their interests lie in feeding their neighbors, educating the poor, changing lives, etc.). The glorified tourists will immediately defend their lifestyles, while the true missionaries will graciously keep their mouths shut to your criticism as long as you’re willing to help with the practical work.

Part of the journey is also to find and recognize your place in this world. To find your role, if you would. In Christianity we often refer to this as your “calling,” but that over spiritualizes it. Not being a Christian should not preclude you from having a role in this world, and not everyone is called for grand things, no matter how much we’re taught that we can all be astronauts and doctors. For some people the purpose is to be a loving mother or father. Some people are meant to mentor others. Some people are meant to work hard every day of their lives without ever uttering a complaint. When you recognize your place, things just click on the inside. You become a different person, and life all of the sudden begins to just flow. You stop worrying about tomorrow, because you know who you are today.

And an amazing thing happens once you start the journey of self worth – you begin to see the worth in others, which then helps you serve better, which increases your self worth, which helps you find even more worth in others, which helps you serve them even better, and on, and on, and on.

So again, the secret is service. Self worth is not a measure of how others treat you, it is a measure of how you treat others.

On with the Revolution!

I wanted to be a history maker. I think I actually included that on my resume when I was trying to become a youth pastor.

That would have been in 1999. I was getting ready to graduate from Bible college and being a history maker was it. We were going to start a revolution that would sweep the world. Not a violent revolution of taking up arms, but a revolution of the soul. We were going to live so radically for God, that people around us wound not be able to help but wonder were our inspiration came from.

It wasn’t what mainstream Christianity has turned it into. It was pure. All we wanted to do was be lights. Sure, some students were more outspoken and confrontational than others, but even they did it respectfully. If someone they were talking to got angry, the student would be the first one to back down and apologize. In some circles it is still like this.

But mainstream Christianity turned the Jesus Revolution into something else. They monetized it with shirts,  bands, and branded Bibles. They armed it. The word revolution is already militant enough, but as a mainstream movement it adopted an us vs. them mentality. It was taken from being a movement of radical living and being an asset to others, and turned into a machine to push conservative values. There are definitely people living out the original vision, but as a mainstream movement, it has lost that vision.

Recently some people have been asking about the revolution. Some say that we are in the midst of it, though it is progressing slower than expected, and it’s true. There is evidence of that. Others say that the revolution did not come as it was supposed to, and they are right as well.

But I’ve seen another…an unexpected…aspect of the revolution. I’ve seen it in young Christian women who would let a stranger who just had an abortion cry on their shoulders, even though they did not agree with the decision. I’ve seen it in Christian teenagers who refuse to let their gay friends be bullied at school. I’ve seen it in young pastors who refuse to be strong armed by a board of Deacons formed by money.

I’ve seen the revolution in a young Christian woman who has been both physically and sexually abused. Instead of cowering, as many of her Christians friends have encouraged her to do, she has stood up to the world to insist that women not be thought of as lesser.

I’ve seen it in a Christian young man who felt that the only thing he could do to be truly happy was to sell of his possessions and use his money to live amongst the homeless and help them in any way possible.

And I’ve seen all of these things happen amongst non-believers as well.

The revolution is not confined to the Church, but it’s taken the Church a while to see that. For sure there are major issues in our society. Greed is rampant, and immorality follows closely behind. I should explain however. Greed is as rampant in the Church as it is in society, and immorality means something different to me than it does to some. You don’t have to agree with me, I’m just informing you of my parameters. A nineteen year old girl partying every night and sleeping with a few different guys a week is immoral to me, but a young, unmarried couple who has been faithfully together for years and are expecting a baby is not immoral simply because they lack a piece of paper.  A preacher who makes a public spectacle of burning a Koran is immoral to me. A preacher who refuses ask the recently visiting gay couple to stop coming back is not.

And people typically grow out of normally classified immoral behavior. Promiscuity is not good, but it’s mostly confined to an age group. Of course there are mid-life adults still leading promiscuous lifestyles, but typically you get married at some point and settle down. However, people don’t usually grow out of hatred, and greed, and exclusiveness. Psychologists say that beliefs change, but values don’t. I call it a rule of thumb, because I have seen my values change, but for most people the notion is correct.

In church I used to hear the stats all the time about how far morality has fallen since the ’50s (and more specifically since 1963), and the data is correct. Teen pregnancy has risen, drug addiction has risen. Some elements of society have gone to crap. But we have also become less hateful as a society since then. We’ve become more accepting of those who are different than us. We have been more willing to listen to others. Charity work has risen.

Some people think that the purpose of the revolution is to ignore the social issues, but they are the values of a new generation. My teenage sister-in-law may be wild right now. She’s done some things that nobody thinks were good ideas, but she’ll grow out of that. One day she’ll realize she was being stupid, but she’ll never grow out of always being willing to forgive anybody. She’s not stupid, she won’t let herself get hurt again (often…she is a teenage girl so nothing’s ever a definite), but she will forgive you for anything. She is a budding revolutionary who just has to find her way there.

I’ve realized that I may do some great things in my life…perhaps not…but every time I look at my three boys, I’m looking at the real revolutionaries. My boys don’t know hate. They don’t care about differences. My kids will play with anyone. They don’t understand not wanting to help those who need it.

I cannot speak for others who have spoken of revolution. I do not know their intentions or their understanding of their own words, but I can tell you how I understand it…what I believe it represents. The revolution is about progressing as a society. It’s a movement that has the potential to finally move the Church away from its obsession with sex and carousing, and give it a new obsession – love and justice. For years, decades, centuries even, the Church has been so focused on defending itself against the world, yet it has created its own enemies. If the Church was as meek and humble as Jesus exemplified and suggested, we would have no enemies except for those with true hate in their hearts. We have spent so much time attacking others, we just look stupid when we wonder why we’re being attacked. A true revolution will bring us back to our roots of a meek community who simply wishes to be an asset to society, and I see that starting to happen all around me.

The world doesn’t need a revolution run by mainstream Christianity. It may need a political revolution, but that is not ours. That’s for someone else. I respect those who are politically outspoken because of certain passions, but I personally think it’s a distraction to the larger issues. The larger issue being that there is a world of hurt people out there, and our place is not to try and fix their hurt with rules and force. Our place is to comfort them in their hurt. Sure, taking a stand against immorality will change some people, but standing with open arms when people hurt themselves with their own mistakes will change even more people.

And now for a joke…

In college one of my roommates and I had a running joke about a book that I should write one day entitled “Humility and How I Achieved It.” I think the joke started based on a conversation we had on Numbers 12: 3 – “And Moses was very humble, more than any man who was on the face of the earth.” This was especially funny to us because tradition says that Moses wrote the Torah (first five books of the Bible).

So Cris (and all), without further ado…

Humility

The last few days I’ve mostly observed a conversation bouncing around Facebook involving some friends on both sides of an issue. I was briefly part of the conversation, but I ducked out to observe, and because I just felt as if I would do more harm than good.

But I still watched, and I still held my opinion, and after a while I thought that some people from the “other side” needed to learn about humility.

Smack!

The moment I thought that, I knew I had crossed the line.

Disagreeing with a feeling of  superiority is not a trait that I want to exhibit. I was shocked at my own thoughts and attitude. Today it’s normal to raise yourself above those with whom you disagree. That’s what culture has become. Best friends since Kindergarten split up over cancelled plans. Atheists think they’re better people than religious people, and religious people think they’re better people than atheists. All of that is because we have this need to be right…to be part of something that is better, or more holy, or more open-minded, than another person or group.

We think it’s about us. Individuality is the religion of the day, and we are faithful followers. But it’s not about us…at least not us as individuals, and not even our own groups. It’s about us as broader community – humanity – and each level of community should be focused on that. A church that is started with more interest on how often to celebrate communion than in helping the surrounding neighborhood has not grasped for a worthwhile mission. A group of atheists who would rather spend resources disproving religion than feeding orphans has also grabbed at a selfish goal.

For those of us…and I’m talking to myself right now…who are believers, we should take the higher road. There is story from the Kabbalah…don’t worry, it’s just a metaphor…that tells of the creation of existence. According to the story, God, who is absolute perfection, wanted to experience dynamic perfection (the process of becoming perfect), so he created two vessels. He poured his light into the two vessels and they shattered because they could not hold the light of the Eternal. These broken vessels were the creation, and the story explains that our soul is actually a spark of God, and through us the Eternal is able to experience dynamic perfection as we…individuals and the greater humanity…work toward perfection. It teaches that he experiences our hurts, our joys, our mistakes…all of it…while on our way toward becoming the “perfect man,” which I still believe Jesus accomplished.

It’s just a story, but it’s a poignant one for me, because even the possibility of God experiencing dynamic perfection through me humbles me. It means that I have a duty to try to make the world a better place.

As individuals inside varied, and sometimes conflicting, communities, it is our social responsibility…our moral imperative…to be humble. To disagree with grace. It’s so easy to write someone off as “not worthy” or beneath us. We do it subconsciously all the time (though some of us actually do it consciously), but that’s not how I want to live, and I have a long way to go.

To be humble is to live with grace at all times. It means I don’t feel that I need to defend myself against the person who called me stupid for believing in God. Instead, I can find out more about them and not let their atheism (or homosexuality, or denomination, etc.) be their defining feature. If I like their personality, I’ll try to become friends, otherwise I will remain always respectful.

Humility is hard for me. My personality type is pretension. I “jokingly” correct people’s grammar; I leave “witty” comments on people’s Facebook statuses; and, worst of all, I think that I’m usually right. For the better part of two years I have been actively trying to be willing to be wrong…to be willing to leave a conversation that will only result in hurt feelings.

I know I’ve messed up at times, and I need to make things right if I haven’t yet. I’m far from perfect, even in…especially in…the moments when I think I’m getting close.

In the end, if I expect entire people groups who have hated each other for centuries to learn how to get along and stop hating each other, then I should at least be able to get along with someone who believes something different than I do.

I personally do not agree with abortion, but I understand the argument from those who do. As an issue of morality, my belief is my own, and I have no right to put that belief on others. This article represents the issue very nicely.

Disoriented/ Reoriented

A good friend of mine is an ethics professor, and he recently delivered both sides in a debate about whether Christians should push for stricter anti-abortion legislation. Yes, both sides. It’s part of a weekly forum in which a person takes a controversial topic, advocates one side, then walks across the stage to another podium and advocates the other.

Previous topics have included gay marriage is an abomination/gay marriage glorifies God, women should keep silent/women should lead in church and swearing is forbidden/allowed in scripture. Richard Beck has done a couple of them, but this was the first I’d attended, and I wish I had done it sooner.

I think the anti-abortion side would be familiar to most of you; abortion is morally wrong because it deprives an individual – aside from whether or not a fetus is technically a person – the right to a future, and therefore…

View original post 902 more words

Prophecy and Persecution

This week John Kilpatrick gave a prophecy in which he declared a seven-year period of jubilee and rest for Christians because of the fierce persecution experienced over the past decade or so. A reprieve.

I was reared in the charismatic church. Prophecy and words of exhortation were the norm in my environment for a lot of years. A lot of people who leave church sort of dull themselves to God, but when I left church I turned toward God. As such, I still believe in prophecy, but it’s not what I used to know.

There are a few different types of popular prophecies. They are the ones that are shared around Facebook and talked about in wonder at Bible study.

There’s the “you guys are awesome” prophecy, which usually just talks about how great the church is and how great blessings are coming because of our faithfulness. These are the ones in which God promises to vindicate you to your enemies because of the persecution you have faced for him.

There’s the really symbolic ones, where the prophet dreams of a cat playing guitar and realizes that the guitar is Israel and the cat is God, and as the strings we, the church, are the caretakers of Israel, and through our faithfulness God will strum the G chord and all Israel will be saved, and I’m really feeling that from now on, until God tells us otherwise, we need to worship in the key of G.

You have the “sinners will be punished” prophecies, which assert that such and such catastrophe is coming to punish the “heathens who like gays” or to punish us because support for Israel has fallen.

And the very specific ones that talk about specific dates, places, and people.

It is interesting to note that all of these prophecies favor the group with which the prophet associates. The good prophecies are always about them, and the bad prophecies are always about their enemies.

But that’s not the role of the prophet. The prophet is an individual with no group. A person, man or woman, who speaks against injustice from all sides. The prophet is hated, not because he is a rude, outspoken loudmouth, but because his words give you pause. He calls you on your corruption, your greed, your ambivalence, and you hate him for it because you are not ready to give those things up.

The prophet is persecuted. We, you and I, are not persecuted. There is not secret attack against our faith. Atheists do not sit around scheming how they can get rid of Christianity. Atheists think about things like “what’s for dinner,” or “I really hate changing the filter in my vacuum.”

The current Evangelical Church in America is like a teenage girl who thinks that everyone is out to get her and no body loves her. She thinks that everyone thinks about her all the time, and they are always plotting against her. As a result she causes drama so that people will actually pay her the attention she’s already attributed to their thoughts.

No, we’re not persecuted, and our prophets are narcissists.

We don’t’ need a “doom and gloom” guy. This is the age of wisdom and reason. We’re all smart enough to actively become better people, yet we stay in that polarized existence where everything has an antithesis, instead of finding balance in Wisdom. We justify ourselves out of giving a homeless man a few bucks, and that’s just a minor issue within most of Christendom.

We need to be told to grow up. To get over ourselves. We need to be told that we will destroy ourselves if we do not have a massive, worldwide paradigm shift (and that’s not the same as everyone becoming Christian; most people I know, Christians included, think more about their differences with others than their commonalities).

The man who calls us out on our very motives will be hated indeed.

Be still

This is an amazing media project by Blaine Hogan. Just be still…and watch.

BE HERE NOW from blaine hogan on Vimeo.

Be not of which world?

I'm not a fan of abortion, just irony.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” – Romans 12:2

The world. We’ve heard it our whole lives. “Be in this world, but not of it.” Over the years it has become quite cliche, and very narrow.

You see, most of the time when Christians talk about “the world,” they are talking mostly about sexual immorality and drunkenness. But what was the world of that time really like? I know the Romans were quite free with their carousing, but it wasn’t an huge part of the average, daily Roman’s life. So what else could Paul be talking about? What is the world?

Jesus wasn’t talking about hard partying either. He said he was not of this world, and that he chose his disciples to be of another world as well. His world, unlike Paul’s audience, was Judea. They were a pious people, though they were not without their revelers. But all in all, the world of Jesus was a structured, orderly one living as well as they could under the thumb of Rome.

So what issues did Jesus face that define his problems with the world? Well…

• lack of concern for others (Matthew 5)
• pride (Matthew 6)
• judging others (Matthew 7)
• putting yourself before others (Matthew 7)
• Hubris (Matthew 12)

That’s just the beginning. We’re talking corruption (almost all the encounters with the Pharisees, and the money changers in the temple), lack of respect for God (he was more comfortable with those who did not believe in his father than he was with those who believed and disrespected him), lack of concern for the poor and needy (everywhere; it was his calling), and injustice (notice, he did not condemn the woman caught in adultery; he simply told her she needed to stop what she was doing – but he did condemn the Pharisees who were ready to stone her, even though their sin of pride surely wasn’t as horrible as her sin of adultery).

This was a world where a man would betray his people to the Romans, not because he felt it was the moral thing to do (if he honestly held such morals), not in the noble act of preventing further bloodshed, but for his own comfort. Regional kings and lords were not such because of bloodline. They held their positions because the Romans bought them out. At the same time there existed a theocracy that manipulated followers, and used it’s own power for comfort and pride. Everyone that this theocracy excluded, Jesus included.

Paul’s world was the same. Rome was corrupt from the top down. Noble houses resorted to assassinations and treachery to secure relatively minor political positions, slavery was rampant, tradesmen gouged who they could.

Now let’s think logically. Was Jesus really saying “the world is going to hate you because you don’t have sex before you’re married?” Do you think people really care? Sure, a lot of people think it’s weird, but it doesn’t anger them. It angers them when you try to step into their sex lives, but the manner in which you personally approach sex doesn’t even cross their minds.

What does anger the world, however, is when you refuse to complain about immigration, because you empathize with those who truly are trying to make a better lives for themselves but just didn’t go through the proper channels. What does anger people is when you’d rather spend Christmas feeding the homeless than with your own mother. When you ask people not to personally attack President Obama (not the same as having an earnest disagreement with his policies), because he is still our President and should be respected. When you are a friend to the friendless – that really angers people. When you don’t cheer at the death of Osama bin-Laden, but you do not believe death should be so barbarically celebrated…ever.

The world gets angry when you say you can’t afford health insurance, and you wish the government would help out. The world gets angry when losing your job sends you into a period of depression (which is a real sickness, not just laziness) and it takes you a bit to come around.

The world is a system of corruption and greed. It is not a matter of showing cleavage (that’s an issue of modesty), because people don’t hate you if you wear a high neck shirt (though they will if you butt in on them and tell them what to wear).

For too long morality has been hijacked by sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. Next time you read the bible take the filter looking for “immoral” behavior off, and look for the signs of social injustice and corruption. It’ll change the way you see things…and it may redefine who is “of the world” for you.

Review: God’s Debris

Okay, this is actually more of a suggestion to read. I can’t review it right now because it’s been almost six months since I read it. I’ll reread it soon and do a real review.

Anyhow, throughout the life of a reader, there are those books that just make something click. God’s Debris was one of those for me.

Written by Scott Adams (yes, of Dilbert fame), it is intended to be a thought experiment rather than his theological leaning. And it absolutely made me think. I thought about the implications of my view of God. Not just the personal implications for my soul and such, but how did my view of God affect the way I treated others.

Here is his own synopsis:

Imagine that you meet a very old man who—you eventually realize—knows literally everything. Imagine that he explains for you the great mysteries of life—quantum physics, evolution, God, gravity, light, psychic phenomenon, and probability—in a way so simple, so novel, and so compelling that it all fits together and makes perfect sense. What does it feel like to suddenly understand everything? God’s Debris isn’t the final answer to the Big Questions. But it might be the most compelling vision of reality you will ever read. The thought experiment is this: Try to figure out what’s wrong with the old man’s explanation of reality.

Best of all, you can download the book for free here (legally, with the authors own blessing).

If you read it, leave a comment here and let me know what you think (good, bad, or ambivalent).